My Aly

My Aly

The world may just see an old lady now, for in terms of age that is what you are, but I see so much more.

You are the one person who accepted me as me from the start and who saw through the pain and the strangeness and loved what was there.

You are the one who gave me time and allowed the terrible storms from within me to pass.

You are the one who won't except me retreating from the world as I do so many times and would do without you being with me.

You have been there for me when I was lost and confused, the constant place of safety I needed.

You are the one that knows my strengths and allows me to have them even if the world doesn't see them.

With you I am not afraid of showing my intelligence, my many loves for things that others might not understand.

You are the one that understands my confusion and has seen my body break down through ill health. For you were there when I felt a "full man" and could do so much more  

You are the one who calls me her grumpysaurus 

You know every corner of my soul and who reminds me of how gentle I still am, how easily hurt I get 

Only you have the calming words 

You turned me on (in all ways ) with your beauty and I have never been off since.

You and I both know how we've helped each other, how it has not just been a one way thing. How my strengths and love have helped, because you saw these when no other could. 

We've  been through so much together and there is so much more I say, but that was yesterday

Now we face the final pages together, with some security as we've not had before. A reward perhaps, for all with been through?

I still smile when you call me your Kevy and each night when the last things we say is I love you to each other.

The world might see only what their eyes behold, but I see my wife, my beautiful Aly 

Others might not read this, I just wrote it from my heart so it could be here for it eternity so that the past, the present and the times yet to be would know of  the special soul that is MY ALY 

A Poem - I wish I was young again

 I WISH I WAS YOUNG AGAIN/SUMMER 1963

I WISH IS COULD TURN BACK TIME

TO WHEN I WAS A CHILD

WHEN WE PLAYED

COWBOYS AND INDIANS

AND NO ONE THOUGHT IT WAS WRONG

WHEN WE PRETENDED

A STICK WAS A GUN

WHEN WE PLAYED

ROUGH AND TUMBLE

AND ROLLED DOWN

HILLS

ALL SUMMER LONG

WHEN WE MADE CAMPS

IN TREES

AND ALL OF US SCRAPED OUR KNEES

WHEN TIME WAS COUNTED

NOT BY THE HOURS

BUT BY DINNER , OR TEA TIME

AND HOW WE WERE SHOUTED

HOME FOR BED

WHEN THERE WAS ONLY

SATURDAY TV

WITH DR WHO

WHICH WE WATCHED

BEHIND THE SETTEE

WHEN WE WERE POOR

BUT DID NOT KNOW

WE WERE

WHEN COLOUR RACE

RELIGION DIDN’T MATTER

WE WERE JUST KIDS

BEST FRIENDS

EVERYONE IN THE SAME PLACE

OH HOW I WISH I COULD TURN BACK

TO THAT TIME

AND SEE ME THE CHILD

WHOSE MUM USED TO SAY

HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR HAIR TODAY

I NEVER BECAME

DAN DARE

NEVER BECAME

THE LONE RANGER

BUT IN ALL IN ALL

I JUST GREW TALL

THE POET WHO CAN

WRITE IN RHYME

ABOUT THAT

SUMMER IN 1963

WHEN LIFE WAS

SO EASY

FOR THE CHILD

WHO LIVES

IN ME

©merimaat 2021

Kev T Brown

 

I wrote a thing

 I wrote a thing about thing that was bothering me.

I thought if I did that then everything would make sense. I could cross all the Ts and dot all the lower case i's. Punctuate and paragraph. See the logic, behind the illogical and then file it all away in my knowledge bank as being completed.

Yet the more I wrote the thing about the thing that was bothering me, the more times I had to edit it. The more I edited, the less sense it seemed to make, not the thing I was writing, but the thing I was bothered about. 

So I asked friends about the thing that was bothering me and I bothered them, because it was bothering me.

Finally, a friend said, look you'll never understand, because it is too alien to you, so it best to let it go. Now that made sense at the time, but at 3am it didn't so I came back to write my thing about the thing that was bothering.

Then at 05:00 I looked at the thing I was writing about the thing that was bothering me and I spoke to myself quite rudely. I said "Why are you letting this bother you, you silly twunt" it's just the worst smelly fart in the world. Get out of here and leave it all alone.

So, the thing I wrote about a thing, never actually got written and this thing about the thing did and I am happy about that. 

Time to say goodbye, Goodbye Narcissist,

There comes a time when you realise that you can give no more to another, nor should you do so. It is very hard to come to this conclusion and even harder if you are in a relationship with them, or they are a relative like a child or a parent.  I have struggled with this for over a month as no one really likes giving up on another and yet there comes a time when you really, for the sake of your sanity have to do it.

For years I have sought to understand and to forgive, to explain away, to blame myself for what another was doing. At times I have been made to feel so bad that I really thought, if this is the case then the world would be better off without me, they made me feel that low and then they would find some excuse to break contact and I would feel better for not having them stir these feelings up.

Always the same pattern would happen, they would want to "build bridges" and be very nice for awhile and then sometimes within days the nastiness and controlling would come through and like a fool I would take it.

I really thought I was going mad, or was twisted in my view, because I seemed to be the only one who saw these lies, nastiness, attempt to control, the, they are wonderful and I am shit, they are loving and successful and I am just a worthless failure incapable of moving on from the past and whom no one in their right mind would love.

Then came the wake up call, they finally went too far with their nastiness and lies, the "straw that broke the camel's back " had been loaded, but this camel wasn't for breaking. Everything that they were and what they were doing was clear to me, but I still thought I was to blame for the way the way they were. I asked friends to take a look in the hope that they would see what I was seeing.  It was only when I provided them with the full back ground that they saw it, because one thing could be just a person hurting. 

I was still thinking had I caused them to be like this? To be very honest, it was only a few days ago when a dear friend who is a brain box (they'll know who they are) spent over an hour with me talking about things and their own personal experiences, that I finally realised I would never understand, because I was nothing like this one, nor could I ever do so. As much as I want to continue to love the other one I really can't do so, because there is nothing left of that one and what is there now, well !!!

So after speaking with my dear friend who made me feel so much better they sent me this 

These simple words really made me fully see what type of character I have been dealing with all of these years and why I and most of us will never understand them. Simply as we are nothing like them we can't and I really don't think we would ever want to be like them.

I will forgive, it is in my nature to do so and I will continue to love as I have always done so, but I can not do these things towards this one.  I don't want any contact, I will not feed your perversions and your ego, I will not be your victim, nor put up with your lies. They will never understand that in recent times they've, through their own actions lost people who loved them and I doubt they even care. They will continue to do all the above as in the picture,  I really don't care. 

Time to say Goodbye. Goodbye Narcissist, the door has closed you can do nothing more to me -  

P.S. Thank you Jo a true friend and Dr Sparkles for you kind amazing words, to Stacey, Helly & Victoria for being there for me while I struggled. To my beautiful wife Aly who held me when I almost broke and "our Darren". It's time for the fat farty gumpysaurus to keep farting and saying the wrong things so a return to normal 

The Box

 The box

Everything is made of tiny atoms

so the neither I or the box are really solid

we just seem to be

Now the box is made of cardboard which comes from a tree

the tree has DNA which means the box will contain DNA

I have DNA and that is another thing that made me

So as trees and humans and all life started out as tiny atoms and DNA

It means that we are all related

So treat the box kindly

for it is your relative really

(c)copyright merimaat 2021

Doing a clean Install of Windows 11

 Having discovered how easy it was to do an upgrade of Windows 11, I wondered what it would be like to do a clean install, because in previous versions it has not been that nice a thing to do. Those of us who have used Windows for a long time will remember doing the floppy disks and the CD, then the DVD installs which took for ages. 

Now there are two ways of doing a clean install. One way is to create and ISO and you may have to use a third party application like for example Rufus. This is okay to do, but you have to take off secure boot when you want to install. Rufus explains this on their website and I think of all the ISO makers Rufus is the best and easiest to use.

Perhaps the easier way of doing it is to use the tool Microsoft gives, which is also free and that is the Media Creation Tool. Using this tool, you don't have to create another ISO as everything is that you need to create the Install is there in the tool. 

In both cases you will need a USB which will need to be larger than 8GB. A full explanation of everything can be found by searching Windows 11 download. Go to the official site to ensure you don't get an infected or incomplete version.

I am using the media creation here, but it is the same either way. 

You will need to restart you machine to get it to start the install. I usually do it through Settings and reset as I can't remember which key to press and can't be bothered with all the messing around to make sure you set things so it boots to the USB and not back into Windows. 

I started my clean install at 09:50 

The first screens are as they have always been, asking you what you want to do, etc., then the accept the licence, then where you want to install 11. I did as I have done in the past and that was delete all but the main part of the drive and started from there.

There is a nice new Location screen that comes up which is a lot better than before. A new Keyboard and a new, far easier to use Wi Fi connection. Once you done all of that, the install will check for updates. A welcome addition is the Name this PC screen this saves you having to do it later after you've installed. The Account Screen has also improved and is much easier to use. After that there are screens which you will be familiar with, like how much information about your using things things to give to Microsoft and all the other what you use it for and do you want office etc. 

The whole of the install was completed by 10:10 which I was very impressed with as after the re-start you have 11 ready to use and from then on it's how you have the PC/laptop that you have to focus on. 

Rightly in the past Linux users have boasted how quick it was for them to do an install and how long it took Windows to do one. I don't think they can boast about that any more, because 11 is quick and in fear of repeating myself the people at Windows have done a great job with this. 

So that was it, the clean install ready to make 11 mine. Yes this does take time, because you have to put stuff on that you had before, but you don't have to do it all the time and once it is complete, well you do is add as you go along.

I must stress here that a Clean Install is not the best way to get 11, the upgrade is by far the best way of getting. However, if you need to do it then it really isn't that hard to do, but take your time and read the screens as they come up. 

 

Windows 11 One day in

 It is now 24 hours since I installed Windows 11 on the upgrade from Windows 10. 

If we are honest, Windows 10, wasn't universally liked, I for one stopped using it and went to Linux for awhile and only came back to 10 when I couldn't get drivers and connections for the internet. I was reluctant in doing so, but in fairness 10 had improved in the time I had been away and with a few tweaks, like using Classic Shell start menu, I was able to get 10 under control. 

I was reminded, yesterday that 10 was meant to be the last Windows when it was released in 2015 and if my mind serves me correctly this was still the case at least a couple of years ago. Times have changed very rapidly since then and the way that we use our devices, connect to the world and even work are almost completely different. If Microsoft didn't react to these things, people would have found alternatives and with Apple & now Google there are strong alternatives, hence we now have Windows 11 and more that likely we'll have further Windows in the future.

Okay so what about 11? My first impression was that it loads quicker than 10, I am not sure of the exact timings on this, it just seems to do so. There is a real improvement in the look when you start and my method of logging meant I had the date and time displayed. Talking about logging in there are more ways to do so, just chose the best one for you.  

You may have seen the previews of 11 with the task bar being the centre, I can't really judge that, because of using Classic Shell means I more or less have things as used to be, but most of the stuff is in the centre, including the redesigned start button which opens everything else up. I can say about the menu which now if far clearer with search being up the top rather than on the task bar. I also like the fact that there are icons for all the apps which I call applications and that when you add things these also show as icons. 

Turning to the new design of Settings. It is not too far away from 10 to make you worry about things, personally I found it a lot clearer and easier that before. Windows update being just one example.  It is worth taking a few moments to have a look around, but most of us won't really need to go to settings once we have set things up the way we like them.

I do like the Store button design which for me is a lot clearer. Once you get into the store, there is far more things there than there was before and again I found it easier to find stuff and liked the look of it.

11 has done away with the nagging to use Edge as your browser, although for some things you are directed there. Also gone is the nagging for Microsoft 365 and the cloud thingy which was a right pain in 10. From a personal view point Cortona has gone from the task bar and is silent as you no longer accidently activate it nor is it included in the search. 

11 does come with Teams built into it which I believe you had to get before it you wanted it, I don't know if this is true as I haven't used it and don't have a reason to use it now. This one of many more additions included in 11 which weren't in 10 and you can see a lot thought has gone into things and how people are using their devices.  You can delete these if you really don't use them, I did to save disk space, but you really don't need to do so. 

11 seems to have had a lot of thought gone into it and I really like that care taken with the design. While with 8 and 10 it was such a huge change, 11 isn't, it is just better in all ways.  

So one day in, I would say, if you can do so, go for the upgrade now. I am not sure about doing a clean install as I haven't tied that way and for most people we just want to keep our settings etc as they were and just get on with using it. There is tons off stuff under the bonnet or hood all the gubbings that that techie types love and what makes it work, but really do we need to know about it, I don't as long as it works.

Even at this early stage I think 11 will be as loved as much as 7 was, because I for one do, but even more so as it is easier to use, has a lighter feel and seems more secure.