The Narcissist,'s accidental gift.

 The Narcissist,'s accidental gift. Strange title you may think, but this is a follow up on the post I wrote on 12 October 2021, when I said goodbye to them.

The Narcissist, (who is called Tiernan, although he might call himself another name, by now and I really don't care what he calls himself,) that was in my life and sadly in the life of another for far too long until we all realised what they were, has accidentality left me with a gift that was totally unexpected by me, but one that I am very grateful for now. 

The one mentioned above, collected things to explain who they were and to enable, or so they thought, them to get away with things. This is like the Hypochondriac collecting and imagining illnesses they may have. Both use the internet and Dr Google or whatever internet search engine they use to make their collection and to act out the things they learn from it. If one thing doesn't work then, try another. Now some may fall for them and be able to be convinced by them, that they are this that or the other, but there comes a time when they come across some who actually have/are/have experienced the things that the Narcissist claim to have and they are seen through for the actor they really are! The other thing that the Narcissist does, is push one who loves them to breaking point so they no longer can or want to love them.

I went through the "recipe" that the person above made for themselves and reflected on each one by my personal knowledge of them, my experience of them, the impressions they had made on others and by their own words. The only thing that I could honestly say after they had is probably dyslexia, but everything else they had added on, on, on,  and they probably will continue to add further things on. None of the additions made sense, or held up to any real scrutiny.  I had wanted to hit back with my findings, but then they wouldn't have taken notice of this, in their words "weak" man and I would only be playing their game and I really don't like games. However it really wasn't a wasted exercise as it made me realise things about myself.

I am on the Autism, spectrum, something I have known for years, but have only recently started to mention. I don't know any other way to be and to be honest it has never really been something I have even thought about as being a disability as it has given me more than it has taken away, if it has taken anything away.

I do have M.E. something I have bored others with so many times. Yes it does really impact my life, but so what I am alive.

I was abused and I have told others and written about to try to help myself and others come to terms with the trauma that brings.

I have panic attacks, but I get over them.

I had tried too hard to be accepted and to fit in and sometimes still do. 

Rather than having to boast to the world (which I don't think I have ever done) about having helped others and boasting that I am very, loving and caring, others have told me that I have helped them and have told me the latter. 

Then I thought to myself, fuck it, I am fed up with collecting labels, okay I might be as weird as fuck and a fat old grumpysaurus, but you know what I quite like being that and what is more others seem to like or even love me.  

This led to the further conclusion, that all the negative things in my life were actually positive things!

So Mr Narcissist, your attempted assassination of me and every thing I am and stand for has back fired because I have realised I am happy being me and thanks and all that, but I don't need your approval.

Your accidental gift as it is for all of those who have been in any relationship with a one like you, is that you give us, us. Not that you will understand that and really we don't care if you do or don't. 

I really wanted to end this with the knowledge I have about the Narcissist, that however is some thing for their mother to be honest about with them about as I am past caring and my time with them is over.

 

  

 

Doing a reset in Windows 10 or 11

I have never done a reset in Windows, (any version that is was available in) as I thought it would be easier just to take the whole thing off and start again using a USB.  So I thought I would challenge myself to see how easy it was to do and if, it was easier than doing a clean install. 

If you go for a reset make sure that you have a back up of all your important applications and files, just in case things go wrong. You may be able to reset choosing to keep your personal files, but it is best to be safe than sorry.

FOR THE PURPOSES OF LEARNING HOW TO DO THIS, I INSTALLED, WINDOWS 10 WITHOUT DOING EVERY THING THAT I WOULD DO IF I WAS SETTING UP A SYSTEM FOR USE.

Having set up Windows 10 and not being satisfied that it wasn't as I wanted it to be like, I was faced with two choices, which are found in the Recovery Options which can be found in the Settings.  Now you might have other reasons to want to reset and possibly have never considered doing the Reset this PC, I certainly hadn't.  

When you chose to reset This PC you will be given the choice of either keeping your files or not, but be aware this will remove your applications, which is why I said about backing up, or removing everything. To be honest in the real world it is easier to remove everything and it seems a lot quicker doing this way as well. 

So having made your choice just press the reset button and then windows will do what it has to do. 

I am not going to bore you by going through the process here as there are plenty of websites that will tell you that in boring detail, yawn! Just keep an eye on things, that doesn't mean you have to sit in front of the screen waiting for things to happen, as if your attention is needed then the reset will pause until you've done so.

Now here's a thing, IF your hardware is capable of having Windows 11, you will come to a screen asking you if you want to continue with Windows 10 or to install Windows 11.  I chose to go with Windows 11. Having done so, the reset went ahead with the Windows 11 install and everything on the reset/install was done fairly quickly afterwards. 

A thing to note here, if you chose the Windows 11 option and you are not happy with it, you can as with the upgrade install chose to go back to Windows 10 which is found in the recovery options.  Before doing this, give Windows 11 a try out, you might find you love it as much as I do.

Once the reset is done, if you've done a back up then you can put your files and applications on again much as you would with a new install, which is what this really is. 

So there you a simple and easy to use tool built into Windows if you ever need it which you probably won't. I have never had to do so, apart from doing it to complete this blog. I doubt I will ever use the reset again, but I can not stress enough, don't get stressed if you do have to do one. Please don't bother with other things on offer, Windows will do it for you without them all you need to do is read the instruction and press a few keys.

 

I have fallen back in love with Firefox internet browser

 Do you remember back in 2002 when we had Windows XP and that came with Internet Explorer? That was all we really had and while IE wasn't really that bad, it did what is was meant to do, but it was limited in what you could do with it. 

I remember 2002 very well, because it was the year that Firefox was launched as an internet browser and suddenly we had a far better browser than was available at the time, one we could make our own not have what we were given. Fair enough, we were limited with search, but at the time we didn't really bother about. Firefox offered add-ons and extensions, that I had not seen before and was I believe the only browser at the time to do this. What is more, while it was built by  Mozilla, it wasn't owned by any of the big companies.  

I still think Firefox broke the mould for internet browsers at the time and it one that others have tried to follow since then.  I was a total convert and told everyone I knew about. I forgot how to use Internet Explorer and it was only when I was forced into to doing so that I used it.  Yes I really loved Firefox. Sadly that love didn't last, because there seemed to be too many updates and the theme I loved didn't work any more so I stopped using it and went for a browser that was based on Firefox where the theme did work. 

Over the years I have tried various internet browsers on various operating systems and while I have for the most part liked them I have not loved them as much as I did Firefox. 

Recently, I wrote a blog, which I have deleted, about internet browsers, putting Google Chrome as my favourite, because I thought it was easiest to use and had all the extensions on it that I didn't think were available elsewhere.  To be honest, now I think, it is because I really like gmail so much that I came to this conclusion rather than actually thinking really about what the browser was doing and how much of my information it was storing. It was reading an article in a magazine, that made me think, wait a moment, have I fallen for the Corporate, well everything is based on Chrome so you might as well use it line?

So I went and had a look again at Firefox, this time with the blinkers off, to really test it out. At the time of my writing the version is 94.0. 

1. Download and Install was very smooth and quicker than Chrome.

2. Importing of Bookmarks and passwords, was easy and they were all there, unlike with some other internet browsers I had tried. 

3. Completing  setting up Firefox was so very similar to the first versions, I can't say if it is the same, as I honestly can't remember. What I can is, is that I found it easier to do than with other internet browsers.

4. The extensions I used in Chrome, I could use the Firefox version which was the same, working the same way.

5. PDF I have found easier to read than in Chrome as they get more room and seem clearer, why I don't know.

6. DRM is enabled in Firefox which in some other forks it isn't and I could never find out how to do it.

7. DuckDuckGo which I like to use as my internet search engine works without any delay, which I find works as well as google search. 

8. I liked the fact that my passwords were not in the main body of the setting page and adding or editing them is, to use that word again easy.

9. While Firefox likes to be your default internet browser, you can turn off the nagging to make it so. 

10. I like the fact that now Firefox has colours the surrounds, don't really know what it is called, but now I have colour I like and easy on my eyes for the task bar thingy.

I really want to find something I don't like and I really can't and that is something I felt about the very first version back in 2002. 

While I will keep Chrome as a back up internet browser, I really have no need or any great desire to use it any more and have stopped doing so now. I still like gmail and blogger from Google, but that's about it really and that was the real reason why I used Chrome, perhaps the only reason.

Yes I have fallen back in love with Firefox and I really think that this time it is going to last. You may well disagree with me, but it suits me and I love the feel and ease of use, it has everything I need and nothing I don't which is what I want from an internet browser.

 

My Aly

My Aly

The world may just see an old lady now, for in terms of age that is what you are, but I see so much more.

You are the one person who accepted me as me from the start and who saw through the pain and the strangeness and loved what was there.

You are the one who gave me time and allowed the terrible storms from within me to pass.

You are the one who won't except me retreating from the world as I do so many times and would do without you being with me.

You have been there for me when I was lost and confused, the constant place of safety I needed.

You are the one that knows my strengths and allows me to have them even if the world doesn't see them.

With you I am not afraid of showing my intelligence, my many loves for things that others might not understand.

You are the one that understands my confusion and has seen my body break down through ill health. For you were there when I felt a "full man" and could do so much more  

You are the one who calls me her grumpysaurus 

You know every corner of my soul and who reminds me of how gentle I still am, how easily hurt I get 

Only you have the calming words 

You turned me on (in all ways ) with your beauty and I have never been off since.

You and I both know how we've helped each other, how it has not just been a one way thing. How my strengths and love have helped, because you saw these when no other could. 

We've  been through so much together and there is so much more I say, but that was yesterday

Now we face the final pages together, with some security as we've not had before. A reward perhaps, for all with been through?

I still smile when you call me your Kevy and each night when the last things we say is I love you to each other.

The world might see only what their eyes behold, but I see my wife, my beautiful Aly 

Others might not read this, I just wrote it from my heart so it could be here for it eternity so that the past, the present and the times yet to be would know of  the special soul that is MY ALY 

A Poem - I wish I was young again

 I WISH I WAS YOUNG AGAIN/SUMMER 1963

I WISH IS COULD TURN BACK TIME

TO WHEN I WAS A CHILD

WHEN WE PLAYED

COWBOYS AND INDIANS

AND NO ONE THOUGHT IT WAS WRONG

WHEN WE PRETENDED

A STICK WAS A GUN

WHEN WE PLAYED

ROUGH AND TUMBLE

AND ROLLED DOWN

HILLS

ALL SUMMER LONG

WHEN WE MADE CAMPS

IN TREES

AND ALL OF US SCRAPED OUR KNEES

WHEN TIME WAS COUNTED

NOT BY THE HOURS

BUT BY DINNER , OR TEA TIME

AND HOW WE WERE SHOUTED

HOME FOR BED

WHEN THERE WAS ONLY

SATURDAY TV

WITH DR WHO

WHICH WE WATCHED

BEHIND THE SETTEE

WHEN WE WERE POOR

BUT DID NOT KNOW

WE WERE

WHEN COLOUR RACE

RELIGION DIDN’T MATTER

WE WERE JUST KIDS

BEST FRIENDS

EVERYONE IN THE SAME PLACE

OH HOW I WISH I COULD TURN BACK

TO THAT TIME

AND SEE ME THE CHILD

WHOSE MUM USED TO SAY

HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR HAIR TODAY

I NEVER BECAME

DAN DARE

NEVER BECAME

THE LONE RANGER

BUT IN ALL IN ALL

I JUST GREW TALL

THE POET WHO CAN

WRITE IN RHYME

ABOUT THAT

SUMMER IN 1963

WHEN LIFE WAS

SO EASY

FOR THE CHILD

WHO LIVES

IN ME

©merimaat 2021

Kev T Brown

 

I wrote a thing

 I wrote a thing about thing that was bothering me.

I thought if I did that then everything would make sense. I could cross all the Ts and dot all the lower case i's. Punctuate and paragraph. See the logic, behind the illogical and then file it all away in my knowledge bank as being completed.

Yet the more I wrote the thing about the thing that was bothering me, the more times I had to edit it. The more I edited, the less sense it seemed to make, not the thing I was writing, but the thing I was bothered about. 

So I asked friends about the thing that was bothering me and I bothered them, because it was bothering me.

Finally, a friend said, look you'll never understand, because it is too alien to you, so it best to let it go. Now that made sense at the time, but at 3am it didn't so I came back to write my thing about the thing that was bothering.

Then at 05:00 I looked at the thing I was writing about the thing that was bothering me and I spoke to myself quite rudely. I said "Why are you letting this bother you, you silly twunt" it's just the worst smelly fart in the world. Get out of here and leave it all alone.

So, the thing I wrote about a thing, never actually got written and this thing about the thing did and I am happy about that. 

Time to say goodbye, Goodbye Narcissist,

There comes a time when you realise that you can give no more to another, nor should you do so. It is very hard to come to this conclusion and even harder if you are in a relationship with them, or they are a relative like a child or a parent.  I have struggled with this for over a month as no one really likes giving up on another and yet there comes a time when you really, for the sake of your sanity have to do it.

For years I have sought to understand and to forgive, to explain away, to blame myself for what another was doing. At times I have been made to feel so bad that I really thought, if this is the case then the world would be better off without me, they made me feel that low and then they would find some excuse to break contact and I would feel better for not having them stir these feelings up.

Always the same pattern would happen, they would want to "build bridges" and be very nice for awhile and then sometimes within days the nastiness and controlling would come through and like a fool I would take it.

I really thought I was going mad, or was twisted in my view, because I seemed to be the only one who saw these lies, nastiness, attempt to control, the, they are wonderful and I am shit, they are loving and successful and I am just a worthless failure incapable of moving on from the past and whom no one in their right mind would love.

Then came the wake up call, they finally went too far with their nastiness and lies, the "straw that broke the camel's back " had been loaded, but this camel wasn't for breaking. Everything that they were and what they were doing was clear to me, but I still thought I was to blame for the way the way they were. I asked friends to take a look in the hope that they would see what I was seeing.  It was only when I provided them with the full back ground that they saw it, because one thing could be just a person hurting. 

I was still thinking had I caused them to be like this? To be very honest, it was only a few days ago when a dear friend who is a brain box (they'll know who they are) spent over an hour with me talking about things and their own personal experiences, that I finally realised I would never understand, because I was nothing like this one, nor could I ever do so. As much as I want to continue to love the other one I really can't do so, because there is nothing left of that one and what is there now, well !!!

So after speaking with my dear friend who made me feel so much better they sent me this 

These simple words really made me fully see what type of character I have been dealing with all of these years and why I and most of us will never understand them. Simply as we are nothing like them we can't and I really don't think we would ever want to be like them.

I will forgive, it is in my nature to do so and I will continue to love as I have always done so, but I can not do these things towards this one.  I don't want any contact, I will not feed your perversions and your ego, I will not be your victim, nor put up with your lies. They will never understand that in recent times they've, through their own actions lost people who loved them and I doubt they even care. They will continue to do all the above as in the picture,  I really don't care. 

Time to say Goodbye. Goodbye Narcissist, the door has closed you can do nothing more to me -  

P.S. Thank you Jo a true friend and Dr Sparkles for you kind amazing words, to Stacey, Helly & Victoria for being there for me while I struggled. To my beautiful wife Aly who held me when I almost broke and "our Darren". It's time for the fat farty gumpysaurus to keep farting and saying the wrong things so a return to normal